Reading My Old Writing | Recent Works
Introduction
Welcome to the third and final part of my series in which I am reading (and cringing at) my older writing, mainly from my angstier, teenage years (not that I don’t still have angst… I do). In the previous two posts in this trilogy of cringe, I read excerpts from books one and two of my series called The Overlord Saga. Today, I’m going to be reading from some of my more recent works, two of which were spin-offs of The Overlord Saga that were written to exemplify what I’d learned from writing hundreds of thousands of words for The Overlord Saga. I’m going to be reading excerpts from Of Elegance and Slaughter, Edwin, and even my novel How I Ruined My Life. Since I have so many works to read from for this post—and because the cringe-worthy writing isn’t quite as prevalent in each of these books—I’m going to limit myself to only one excerpt from each piece of work, for this final part of the series.
That’s still a lot to get to, so let’s get started. Buckle up.
Oh, and there is, of course, a video version of this content. If you’d like to see me cringe in 4k glory, feel free to do so via the video posted below!
Of Elegance and Slaughter
This is the first spin-off story I wrote in the Overlord Saga setting. It serves as a standalone prologue to the series, focusing on Jonathan Stone, one of the key characters in the second book and the leader of the group in which the main character of the series participates. It deterred greatly from the normal approach that I’d taken to storytelling thus far, becoming a psychological thriller and murder mystery. This helped me not only broaden my horizons but also to find the voice and style that complement my strengths most favorably.
Jonathan Stone is a former criminal who has just gotten out of prison and is hoping to make his life right, turning his back on his past of wrongdoing. He finds that this isn’t so easy, however, when he is approached by members of the Shadow Alliance who want to make use of his talents. They start making life hard for him, even going so far as to frame him for murder.
While I still like the overall premise of this book, my execution wasn’t solid. That’s why I got plenty of agents asking for excerpts and sample writing from the story, but no one actually picked up the manuscript. I had a solid idea but wasn’t skilled enough to make the cut, yet.
Unfortunately, I don’t have the entire novel for this one. I was only able to find the excerpts I sent to a few agents, so I’m going to be reading the first page of the book to you. Here we go:
The First Page
Jonathan sat with his leg neatly resting atop his knee, his hands were folded in his lap and he was wearing a fine button-down shirt. He was glad that he'd finally been permitted to grow his hair back out – they'd shaved his head when he'd first been put in the mental hospital and had insisted on doing so every week for the first four years. This last year, however, had been different. He no longer had to wear a straitjacket and he was never handcuffed during his therapy sessions.
Today, though, seemed especially wonderful. The sun was high in the blue Texas sky, the grass was less brown than it normally was, and his therapist was actually humming. He tried to guess what the woman was writing, but her scribble was impossible to interpret from the other side of the desk. She finally looked up at him and straightened her glasses. “Well, Jonathan? How are you feeling?”
“Splendid. Calm.” Jonathan told her. “How are you feeling, Felicia?”
“It's Doctor Eden.” she corrected.
“Aw. I thought we were friends, now, Felicia.”
She coughed.
“Right. Doctor, how are you feeling?” Jonathan spat. “So formal. I think over formality might be a symptom of some kind, actually. Maybe I need to stay a bit longer?”
My Thoughts
Jonathan Stone is an intense flirt. He generally uses it as a defense mechanism and as a way to bolster his strikingly low self-esteem. He’s a good-looking man, but some past trauma resulted in him seeing himself in an incredibly negative light, which he compensates for with his flirtatious attitude and mannerisms. I did a pretty good job of painting that picture in the first few pages of this book, but the problem is that this isn’t a strong opening, in my opinion—certainly not for a novel that’s intended to be a thriller.
I do open up with information that gets the reader asking questions. Specifically, it’s made clear that Jonathan was considered quite dangerous for some time while he was in this mental institution. He was forced into a straitjacket, then he graduated to handcuffs, and now he’s finally permitted to be free to move during his sessions.
That said, I really didn’t paint a clear picture of this, nor did I make it relevant. He doesn’t exercise this freedom to move around during his session, which he should have done to emphasize his gratitude for the privilege. Additionally, the fact that the reader doesn’t get to see what he was like four years ago means that it isn’t as impactful as it could be.
One last point I want to make is that when I wrote this book, I had a dangerously naive perspective on mental health. I’d never addressed my own mental health challenges and I hadn’t really encountered people who struggled with mental health, either. The result is an opening to the story that is ignorant and careless, not just on the first page but also on the pages that follow.
How I’d Fix It
I think this could be salvaged. What I would do to fix this opening would be to start off not with Jonathan Stone on the verge of being released from the hospital, but with his first day in there. I’d show him being put into a straitjacket and getting his head shaved. I’d really push the thriller parts on it as well, especially because this institution is not meant to be a positive environment. It’s supposed to be improper, malicious, and dangerous, which I really didn’t adequately showcase in the first chapter of the book. Once the reality of Jonathan’s condition and environment is shown properly, I would flash forward to the final session with his (underqualified) therapist and reveal the progress he’s made (as well as the progress he hasn’t made) to tell the reader what kind of character they’ll be following from here on out.
Edwin
I have mentioned Edwin before. This is the short story I wrote that won me an Honorable Mention from the Writers of the Future competition a few years ago (I then wrote another one later, called The Ansleigh Arc, the got another award). The award I received for this story is what encouraged me enough to really pour my heart into a new, fresh novel, making this the last story I wrote in the universe of The Overlord Saga. The book was well-received by judges who are professionals in the field of writing, critiquing, and reviewing, so it was certainly my best writing at the time, but...
However, even though it was well-received by the competition judges and was a pivotal story in my writing history, it still has some cringe in it. One scene, in particular, makes me cringe and I think it’s what caused me to get an Honorable Mention instead of third, second, or first place. The scene involves a fight between Edwin and Jonathan Stone and was really just poorly written.
The Fight
Edwin's blood was boiling. He felt all of his rage starting to resurface. All it was going to take for him to snap was one more word from the snide and arrogant man in front of him. That's all that Edwin needed. He began to hope for it, and his wish was granted. Jonathan said exactly what Edwin needed to hear for a completely, rage-fueled breakdown.
“You did the world a favor, Edwin. She was a [mean word] anyway.”
Edwin yelled in absolute fury and leaped at the man, pinning him to the ground. He began to beat Jonathan's face over and over again with his fists. Jonathan was struggling, but Edwin's flailing arms kept him from being able to fight back well enough. A group of guards rushed over to their fight and pulled Edwin away. “Break it up! Stop this immediately!”
Edwin dusted himself off while Jonathan stood slowly, his face bloodied and bruised. Jonathan wiped a stream of blood from his nose and chuckled. “Well done, Doctor. Very well done. When I'm a councilman, though, you're a dead man, Edwin Edwards.”
My Thoughts
Fight scenes, I think, have always been the weakest point in my writing. Even when it isn’t technically a fight and is more of just a brief confrontation, my writing has always been weak. To be honest, it’s still a weak point for me and is something I dread. I wish I could write combat as beautifully as masters like Evan Winter or Joe Abercrombie, but it isn’t a skill I’ve honed, yet. This scene exemplifies that lack of skill.
First of all, Edwin has always been posited as this weak, frail scientist while Jonathan Stone is a skilled, trained combatant. Yet, Edwin still manages to get the best of him and only stops when guards come by to pick him up. This makes no sense. Edwin never should have gotten the drop on Jonathan and, even if he did succeed in taking him by surprise, he shouldn’t have been able to continue punching him at all. Those punches should have been weak and Jonathan should have been able to fend them off and deliver a return blow—even one would have been enough to throw Edwin to the ground, given Jonathan’s own strength and combat capability.
How I’d Fix It
It’s important to have Edwin take a swing at Jonathan to show how angry he is. However, his anger shouldn’t be enough for him to overcome Jonathan’s years of fighting experience. Instead, it should have been a weak point that Jonathan could use to kick Edwin while he’s down. If I were to rewrite this, I would do so in a way that shows how angry Edwin is, but that also shows that the anger isn’t enough for Edwin to somehow be better than Jonathan when it comes to fighting.
Not only would this make the fight more realistic, but it would also emphasize just how pathetic and downtrodden Edwin really is. This was the primary point of Edwin, so it doesn’t make sense for Edwin to have this heroic, empowering moment that completely detracts from the short story’s overall narrative. This could have been a moment to showcase Edwin’s predicament and sorrow-ridden life, and instead, I made it into a fight scene without rationality.
How I Ruined My Life
Last but not least is the first novel I released to the public: How I Ruined My Life. There is a lot in this book that makes me cringe. Beyond the writing, the story has rough edges and I failed to hit my goal for the story, a fact that was only evident well after it was released. There’s enough wrong with How I Ruined My Life that I added a disclaimer to the current edition which tells readers that while I am glad I wrote and published the book, it doesn’t reflect my views or writing style as it stands today.
Still, while I cringe at quite a bit of How I Ruined My Life, I need to pick just one excerpt for this post. For that, I’m going with one of the worst moments in the story that unveils my true failure as a writer when it comes to this story. This was a moment that was intended to show the reader how tremendously selfish and vile the main character, Kyle, is. Instead, it made it look like I, the writer, am the selfish and vile one (and I was, to a degree). I failed to tell the reader that Kyle was in the wrong, in this scene, and it stands out like a sore thumb.
Anyway, get ready for something that’s pretty rough to read, at least for me. Deep breaths, people.
The Waiting Room
While the two of us sit there together, I notice Leigh pull out her phone. I'm not sure why, but I glance at her screen. When I do so, I see something I didn't want to see: a series of texts to Micah Emerson. She's asking where he is and when or if he'll meet her at the hospital. I slowly pull my arm away and Leigh looks up at me with confusion in her eyes. Her lip quivers as she struggles to speak. “What's wrong?”
“What's wrong?” I repeat, blinking at her. “Why are you texting Micah Emerson?”
“Huh?”
“He doesn't know James—heck, James doesn't like Micah at all. He's got no business being here.”
“I...I just need someone...”
At this point, I stand up. Everything is becoming too much. How dare Leigh invite Micah to this...a meeting among close friends of James Porter. What does she hope to gain in doing so? Why is she, even now, obsessed with Micah? “You need someone? What about me? I need someone, too! And my someone is lying on a hospital bed dying! I'm already alone, Leigh.”
How I’d Fix It
This is a lot. I hope you can see what I was going for, here. To most of us with emotional depth, it’s pretty clear that both Leigh and Kyle have some issues that they need to individually work through. Leigh is looking for comfort in unhealthy places while Kyle feels entitled to his friend’s comfort in this time of challenge and trauma. Both of them have problems to address.
However, with the way this scene is written (as well as how it is discussed after the fact), it looks like Leigh is the only one with an issue. It makes it appear that Kyle is right for confronting Leigh in that moment and that he has every right to demand comfort and kindness from her in this time that is hard for both of them.
If I were to rewrite this, I think I’d keep the interaction similar to how it is, because it is what both of the characters would do and is true to their personalities and history of unhealthy behavior. What I would do in the rewrite is emphasize more strongly that Kyle is in the wrong, here. At no point from here through to the end of the story do I show Kyle (and, consequently, the reader) that his sense of entitlement was inappropriate, as was his confrontation of Leigh. In a rewrite, I would follow this scene up with his other friend, Isaac, being aggressive in his engagement with Kyle.
Instead, what happens in the subsequent scene is a couple of quiet friends trying to get Kyle to calm down and be polite. It’s weird. It doesn’t reveal that there’s a problem with Kyle that really has to be resolved now. Kyle is manipulative, entitled, narcissistic, and cruel. Yet, no one treats him like that. No one even comes close to responding in kind when they really should. That’s what I’d change about this scene. It doesn’t have to (and shouldn’t) be Leigh who finally has it out with him, but someone absolutely should.
How I Ruined My Life is Still Available
Just so you know, How I Ruined My Life is still available and I don’t currently intend to take it off purchasing. I think it’s a strong showcase of how I’ve grown both as a person and as a writer. While the execution of my idea wasn’t perfect, the concept is still there and, if you look hard enough, you can still see the heart of my story. If you’re interested, you can buy How I Ruined My Life here: https://amzn.to/3bagxN0
Conclusion
That’s a wrap on my cringe trilogy! It’s been a long few weeks of self-analysis and mockery at the expense of my past self, but I hope that you have learned a lot not only about me but about writing in general as part of this series. Looking back at these books—some of which are older than ten years—has been eye-opening in terms of my own growth in skill as a writer and creator. While it’s fun to cringe at prior works, it’s also informative and even encouraging! I’m glad to see how much I’ve grown and improved over these last ten years; after reading all of that old, cringey writing, I feel like I haven’t wasted this decade of writing.
Thank you for your time and, hopefully, your laughs! I’m hopeful that this series of posts has been entertaining. If you did enjoy it, please consider supporting me. The biggest help will be subscribing to my new YouTube channel that I’m working to get off the ground. You can also follow me on social media; I’m @tlbainter on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram, with the latter being where I’m most active. Those social links will all be at the bottom of this post.
Now that I’m done reading my old, cringey writing, my next Friday post is going to focus on something else. I’ll be celebrating my second year of sobriety and discussing what it means to be straight edge, so if that interests you, please subscribe to my newsletter or YouTube channel and stay tuned for that post. I’m also currently in the middle of releasing a homebrew campaign creation tutorial series, with new episodes coming out on Monday. Wednesdays, I release story reviews, covering books, movies, games, and even television shows.
Thanks so much for sticking around and checking out this post. Until next time, bye!