Life | Overcoming a Behavioral Disorder

Jan 2

Written By

Introduction

I'm going to be pretty raw and open in this post, but I will do my best to avoid saying anything that may trigger impulses or negative recollection. That being said, I think it's important to mention that there will be some content in here relating to abusive relationships and suicide. I'll also be discussing some of my impulsive actions, though I'm not sure what effect this will have on a reader.

This particular post will include the diagnosis and behaviors associated with my disorder, but is primarily focused on the methods I have used to overcome and change those behaviors. Essentially, this is a blog about taking back control of myself.

So, again, to reiterate: there will be non-descript mentions of suicide, listings of impulsive behaviors, and a bit of content regarding abusive relationships. If you are concerned that this sort of content may trigger negative behaviors in you, please don't continue to read this. If you believe you can handle the content and would like to read about how I conquered some of my demons, please read on.

Diagnosis

Let's keep this one short. Two different therapists told me that I have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) a few years back. However, the only thing that didn't line up with that diagnosis was how I got it. They insisted that BPD develops from trauma at a young age. One of them even insisted that BPD in men is always (and without exception) caused by the mother. I only spoke with each therapist long enough to get a diagnosis, at which point it felt like they weren't actually willing to work with me to resolve my problems.

The result of this is that I am not entirely confident that BPD is actually my issue. My symptoms and behaviors match, yes, but it's unclear what would have actually caused the disorder to manifest. I have my own theory (that it developed as a result of my relationship with a particularly awful person and her family), but the reasons behind the development of the disorder isn't crucial to my recovery.

Because my symptoms so strongly matched BPD, I decided to research it and try to find ways to counter my problems. To summarize this section:

My symptoms and brain “wiring” line up with BPD
Therapists I spoke to gave me half-hearted diagnoses
Because therapists were unwilling to explore non-familial, non-childhood development reasons, I am not totally confident that the diagnosis is accurate
BPD behavioral treatment methods did help resolve many of my issues, but that doesn't necessarily equate to an accurate initial diagnosis.

Symptoms and Behaviors

Borderline Personality Disorder manifests in a great number of ways. This is why so many people either inaccurately self-diagnose themselves with it or are even misdiagnosed by therapists. A lot of people perform actions that are in-line with the basics of BPD, which then causes them to think that they “must have it” (which, unfortunately, tends to cause the mis-diagnosed individuals to subconsciously exhibit more symptoms). Just looking up the symptoms right now, I see such broad descriptions that anyone could have BPD.

Here are the symptoms I exhibited prior to my diagnosis, in a broad sense:

Impulsive/High-Risk Behaviors
- Heavy Alcohol Use
- Reckless Driving
- Abrupt, Out-of-State Trips
- Heavy Shopping
- Cutting Out Friends/Family (Without Just Cause)
- Suicidal Thoughts (and One Attempt)
Feeling Empty, Bored, and Meaningless
Unstable/Distorted Sense of Self
- Coupled with dissociation
Intense, Spontaneous Shifts in Mood
- These shifts often lasted for two-three days or even a week
Strong Fear of Abandonment
- Includes inappropriate and extreme reactions to both genuine and assumed abandonment
Depression and Anxiety
Relationships Which Shift Drastically from Intense Love to Intense Hatred (Both Romantic and Aromantic)

There are a few other symptoms that an individual with BPD will exhibit, but these are the ones I was displaying when I decided to try to improve myself.

Achieving Real Change

I did a number of different things to improve my mental health and stability. The first thing I did was read… a lot. There are three books in particular that I found helpful: Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward and Stop Walking on Eggshells by Paul Mason both helped me with my relationships while I Hate You, Don't Leave Me by Hal Straus and Jerold Jay Kreisman helped me understand what was going on inside my own head.

If you can only pick up one of these books, I think that I Hate You, Don't Leave Me was the most beneficial of the three. They were able to put into words the things about myself that I couldn't understand.

Replacing My Bad Behaviors

The first thing that I did was replace my most destructive behaviors. Those were:

Impulsive trips
Reckless driving
Excessive and frivolous spending
Alcohol abuse

When I wanted to take an impulsive trip, I would instead drive to a coffee shop, my parents’ home, or just around the block until I'd gotten it out of my system and could make myself return home.

To overcome my reckless driving, I made myself get behind the slowest driver on the highway any time I was feeling reckless. I wouldn't tailgate the driver, I'd just match the driver's speed and style so I could give myself a solid distraction.

The excess spending was a difficult one to overcome, as I didn't have any positive outlets for spending my money, either. I was spending money I didn't even have, so it wasn't like I could just give it to charity instead or something like that. So, for this, I had to just… stop. Setting budgets didn't help, neither did setting limits on my cards. I still spent money on useless things any time I was sad. So I just made myself stop. Looking back, it would have been wiser to put someone I trusted in charge of my finances for a set time period (probably a year).

Alcohol abuse is more complex. I didn't actually realize I was using alcohol until a little over a year ago. At that point, I decided to stop drinking entirely for about 10 months. It wasn't difficult for me and I realized alcohol wasn't exactly an addiction, it was just a coping mechanism. My body didn't crave or need it at all. I was fine without it, and now I'm drinking in moderation.

What's Going on in My Head?

Replacing my negative impulses with positive ones changed me on the outside, but my mind is far from perfect. I still have these impulses, I'm still irrationally terrified of being abandoned/betrayed/hurt by someone I love, and I still fight against my own depressive moods from time to time. From what I understand of BPD, I'll be fighting this internal battle for a long time. This is because BPD is both behavioral and mental.

I recently found this remarkable study on a BPD brain. It reveals the physical attributes associated the disorder and defines them in a way that is quite informative (if a little discouraging).

The primary takeaways from this article are:

BPD brains often perceive harmless environments and individuals as threatening
Individuals with BPD experience emotion more intensely than those without it
An individual with BPD will be almost constantly in a fight or flight mental state.
Stress is improperly handled and addressed by a BPD brain
An inactive/inefficient prefrontal cortex results in impulsivity

The End Result

Ultimately, I am constantly fighting my own impulses and fears. I have to reason with myself, especially when I'm in a romantic relationship. This means telling myself she's just busy, you're reading into things, and this isn't a reason to leave. It means that I know my impulses are wrong, but it doesn't mean that I no longer have those impulses.

The primary downside of this is that when something actually is a threat, I fail to act on it because I'm concerned that I'm only being impulsive or crazy. Basically, I'm constantly in a state of gaslighting myself. It isn't a perfect remedy, but I would prefer taking a chance by loving someone over giving into my impulses and constantly abandoning relationships. I have been cheated on a number of times, but I actively choose to hope for the best when it comes to the person I am with. Innocent until proven guilty, even if my brain says otherwise.

This fight against my own behavioral conditioning was a losing battle for a few years, but I think 2017-2018 are when I really hit my stride and learned to fight against myself. Yes, there are still triggers out there (especially in relationships--both romantic and aromantic), but I'm fighting them because there are people in my life worth fighting for.

You may remember my previous post about love and what it means. In it, I state that love is something you must actively choose to do. Some days it is really easy, other days it is really difficult. But if you want someone, you choose to love that person despite your impulses, fears, doubts, and heartaches.

So the end result of my understanding and constant battle is this: I have learned to be a better person by choosing to see and expect the best in people. I have learned to fight my fears, especially in relationships, and simply hope for the best. I hope someone I love wouldn't hurt me, I hope someone I love wouldn't abandon me. While my brain tries to run for the hills and insist that I do the same, I actively choose to stay, hope, and love.

Conclusion

If I were to summarize all of this in a simple sentence, it's this: people can change. It bothers and hurts me when someone says that they can't, because if people can't change, what have I been doing for this past few years? It especially bothers me when someone with this disorder tells me that their therapist insisted that they can't do anything about their actions. You can fight it and you can be better. Fake it til you make it. Go against your instincts. Choose to see the best in people. Love them, even when it hurts. Love yourself, even when it's hard.